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Whole Foods bans sale of live lobsters, pats self on back

In a bold move that will save the company hundreds of thousands of dollars, placate whiney customers, and provide a huge amount of free advertising, Whole Foods has announced that it will continue to pander to the lowest common denominator and ban the sales of live lobsters in its stores. In a statement released by the company, Whole Foods Vice President for Politically Correct Marketing said, "We feel its inhumane to point out to our customers the far-worse processes and conditions that result in many of our other products. By no longer offering live lobsters for sale in our stores, we can eliminate expensive storage systems and shipping process, as well as free up considerable space for our meat department."

Whole Foods did not announce today that it would ban the sale of any product containing or substantively made of any of the following animals: chickens, cows, sheep or lambs, salmon, scallops, shrimp, mussels, or tuna. Widely regarded as a politically correct place to shop, Whole Foods has carved a large market for itself by offering organic and up-scale groceries in above-average-income communities. A favorite place to be seen in many areas, Whole Foods will continue to market itself to the pseudo-environmentalists and jogging-suit mafia. Calls from scientists pointing out that lobsters may not, in fact, experience pain were summarily ignored as bunk. Those ignoring these statements about lobsters then proceeded to quote scientific statistics about other causes that were more convenient for them.

A representative for the lobster community had no comment.
Inspired by this MSNBC article


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