03 Feb 2008
by ryanin Spot the Sarcasm, Technology Tags: acquisitions, Google, Internet, Microsoft, Yahoo
It’s short, so go read the whole thing. Marvel at the whining of one of the largest Internet companies to ever grace this planet. Bask in the innuendo. This is fear, folks, plain and simple. It’s also hilarious in it’s childishness. Way to go Google; you look stupid for this. Remember, Google is concerned for consumers, not their bottom line. Please, remember that.
Official Google Blog: Yahoo and the future of the Internet
07 Nov 2007
by ryanin News, Signs of the Horsemen, Spot the Sarcasm
Programs that focus exclusively on abstinence have not been shown to affect teenager sexual behavior, although they are eligible for tens of millions of dollars in federal grants, according to a study released by a nonpartisan group that seeks to reduce teen pregnancies.
Next on ABC News: America’s Bombing Campaign Not Producing Desired Goodwill Among Bombed; People Do Bad Things Despite Pleas to Stop; Oil Prices Rise Despite Constant Demand: Who’s To Blame?
ABC News: Report: Abstinence Not Curbing Teen Sex
07 Nov 2007
by ryanin Politics, Spot the Sarcasm
Only (and I do mean only) in West Michigan.
A loser [ed. /snicker] in Wyoming’s City Council race plans to file a complaint with the Kent County clerk’s office over a box of cookies.Roger Haynes is accusing former state Representative Joanne Voorhees of subconscious campaigning by leaving cookies at an elementary school. He claims the gesture breached state law that prohibits campaigning within 100 feet of a polling place on Election Day.
Oooookay. I wonder if Haynes prayed that he would win; would that constitute supernatural campaigning? Considering he lost by 106 votes (with 1412 cast), those are some damn good cookies. [source, but good luck.] Side bar: WOOD-TV, seriously, we need to talk about your website.
Of course, the article leaves out some important details. Was it clear to voters that Voorhees had left the cookies? Were there cookies enough for everyone, or did those all-important 106 voters become influenced at early polls? And, since she brought windmill cookies, who’s dumb enough to be influenced by that crap? Seriously, have you ever had a windmill cookie? *Phftooey*
WOOD TV8 – Wyoming City Council candidate cries foul over opponent’s cookies
29 Sep 2007
by ryanin Beer, Spot the Sarcasm, Vice
10. Drive. Not to advocate something illegal, but it is damn hard to drive while drunk. Motor vehicles require surprising amounts of coordination to keep either between the lines or even on the pavement. If you can avoid doing it, avoid doing it.
9. Type. This post brought to you by automatic spell-checking and the hunt-and-peck method.
8. Not sing. What is about being drunk that just makes you want to belt out that song that everyone but you hates? Loudly. Because, you know what, everyone else is wrong. Aerosmith rocks.
7. Code. I can barely type, now you want me to string together words, variables, and algorithms. Fuck that.
6. Care. I just couldn’t care less about $TOPIC.
5. Not Care. God, that is so damned tragic; I’m not one to get emotional, but that makes me hurt.
4. Play games. I suspect this has much to do with why you can’t drive: hand-eye coordination. Seriously, Guitar Hero on whiskey.. I have a new respect for Keith Richards.
3. Read. You know how boring books can be late at night? Yeah, now you’re half-way to asleep; good luck finishing that brilliant tome.
2. Writing. Well, ok, to be fair, I actually write better when drunk. It’s just that I can’t share it with anyone. In the morning, what I thought was a massive success is likely to be more Scott Adams than Douglas Adams.
1. Not use the phone. What is it about alcohol, of whatever variety you choose to imbibe, that makes us want to grab a phone and call someone. This isn’t just drunk-dialing-for-ass, this is general use of telephone technology in any form. My theory? So, I’m in this awesome place that gives me alcohol to the point of not being able to do anything else on this list; you should be here, too! And if your being here gets me some, all the better.
This list brought to you be New Holland Brewing’s Lucid, Knob Creek Whiskey, and a wedding reception with a keg. Cheers.
01 Aug 2007
by ryanin Entertainment, Music, Spot the Sarcasm, Uhm... yeah
Elton John wants to shut down the Internet for five years because “[t]he internet has stopped people from going out and being with each other, creating stuff.” Right.
His proof for this?
He said: “In the early Seventies there were at least ten albums released every week that were fantastic.
“Now you’re lucky to find ten albums a year of that quality.
“And there are more albums released each week now than there were then.”
Riiiight. This, of course is the fault of the Internet. You know, that global distribution network that has enabled thousands of artists to find a market they would have previously missed. It’s also pretty dubious to claim that there are 10 albums a year of remarkable quality. That seems… high. Kidding. I think Sir Elton is, finally, too old for the current crop of artists.
Granted, there are some serious gaps in the release of quality albums, but that’s not the fault of the Internet; that’s the fault of music publishers and groups like the RIAA. When the radio is controlled by payola and breakout artists are stuff in the backwater of the, wait for it, Internet, it’s not wonder there aren’t “quality albums.”
So, yes, I totally took the bait for Elton John’s attention whoring, but if he even remotely means what he says, he may finally be irrelevant.
Why we must close the net
13 Jun 2007
by ryanin Cool!, Religion, Spot the Sarcasm
I am shocked. Pleased, surprised, curious, but shocked.
Delegates meeting at their annual synod voted Tuesday to remove the word “male” from the requirements for church office.
This is a huge step for one of the most conservative Dutch Reformed organizations in the world. I’m absolutely certain this will cause a split in the church, similar to the Anglican Church. Much applause to the synod for dragging the church out of the dark ages and into modern life in acknowledging equality in the ability to lead a congregation.
First alcohol in Zeeland, now female ordination in the CRC, what’s next? One service a week? Less homophobia? Actual wine at communion? I’m taking bets.
Reformed Church lifts barrier to female ministers
22 Feb 2007
by ryanin Made Me Laugh, Spot the Sarcasm, Technology, Uhm... yeah
From Toothpaste For Dinner blog
Everything in Second Life seems to be coated in a preteen’s understanding of sex. It was very titty-booby pee-pee doo-doo. From the fantasy asses to the cyber-ruins surrounding Freebie Warehouse, there really was nothing but clumsy cybersex. I wandered through this wasteland for a while, until I finally came to a normal-looking store, with windows, and people inside, so I went in.
The store sold penises, and penis avatars. I didn’t actually get to see what they looked like, because I didn’t have any fake money to spend (and I wasn’t really interested in chipping in twenty bucks to these cats’ weird sex trip.) A pet penis, which would follow you around and “come on command” (I’m guessing you have to right-click and load a script and wait thirty seconds is what they mean by “command”) was 100 fakebucks, which converted to US$0.68.
Where’s my credit card?!?
21 Jan 2007
by ryanin Beer, News, Spot the Sarcasm, Vice
State officials should consider raising the tax on beer for the first time since the 1960s as part of an effort to ease the state’s budget problems, according to [John Bebow, executive director of The Center for Michigan, a think tank in the Ann Arbor area].
I hereby postulate that Mr. Bebow is a snobby wine drinker and further propose that the tax on wine be increased at a rate three times that of a beer tax. Obviously, he can afford it working in a think tank (cha ching) in the Ann Arbor (CHA ching) area (CHA CHING).
And how, you may ask, did The Center for Michigan come up with this brilliant tax plan? Perhaps they’re playing to their base: check out the steering committee.
Link
11 Jan 2007
by ryanin Spot the Sarcasm, Uhm... yeah, Vice
Missive conversations are intriguing.
Take today as an example. One of my colleagues mentioned a previous job writing for a music magazine in a quasi-large Midwestern, identity crisis laden Midwestern city. Ok, fine, it was Grand Rapids. But, during his recounting of his experiences writing for this magazine, he mentioned places I used to tread. Clubs like the Apple Lounge, The Intersection, other shitty bars on Monroe that no longer exist. These are the breeding grounds not only of the crappy kid that thinks skateboard parks are “cool”, but also some really kick-ass music.
When he and I were kids (read: 16), getting in was, in and of itself, not just a challenge but a rite of passage. These places were cool. Now, with the click of you left mouse button (except for you Mac addicts.. seriously, two mouse buttons are a Good Thing [tm]) gets you into what was once the underbelly of the music scene. To get that demo tape *shiver* meant you had to sneak, lie, or coerce your way into some smokey, piss-beer-serving former juke joint populated by ex-merchant marines, bar flies that real flies don’t touch, and twenty-somethings who continued to peg their jeans into the late 90s.
Not that I’m a scenester, but being “in” used to mean something. Now, any jerk 14 year old from OK City can be down with local Detroit bands.
Wait, that’s a good thing. Dammit, did I just get old?
Get off my lawn!
25 Dec 2006
by ryanin Signs of the Horsemen, Spot the Sarcasm, Uhm... yeah
Wow, stunning.
Obese children, particularly girls, may be more likely than their peers to suffer from low self-esteem, research shows.
Feel free to leave your own follow-up research project ideas. Personally, I’m gunning for the lucrative “people who consume alcohol get drunk more often than teetotalers” NIH funds.
[via Reuters ] (?!?!)
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