DETROIT—Detroit, a former industrial metropolis in southeastern Michigan with a population of just under 1 million, was sold at auction Tuesday to bulk scrap dealers and smelting foundries across the United States.
"I did them a favor," [Al Ranneke, an Allegheny, PA scrap peddler] said. "Believe me, Detroit's been around the block. I was willing to take it off their hands for six grand, but I caught a glimpse of that Ambassador Bridge and I said 'no way.' I am not Santa Claus."
Of course, you know it's not true because of this line:
The decision to demolish and cull Detroit for scrap was approved last month by a 6-3 City Council vote after a cost-benefit analysis revealed that, as a functioning urban area, it held a negative cash value.
No one on the City Council would just vote; there'd have to be some racially-charged rhetoric before any vote took place. And then the revote after the council members realized that no one's buying their BS. And then the new charges of racism and denunciation of the take-over by the suburbs... And 6-3? When have they ever been so decisive?
Read the whole thing.. well done, Onion, well done.
Detroit Sold For Scrap | The Onion